I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
