last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
