The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
