The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize