an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
