I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
