so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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