My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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