i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
