I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
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There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
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Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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