I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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