i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
