oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
literally had 100 drinks last night.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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