First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
