if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
