Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
