You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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