Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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