Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
