Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You pole danced in your parka.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
