yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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