I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
