I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
