Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
The air was thick with penises
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
