it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
