so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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