gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Are these your boobs on my camera?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
