I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
