Im at strip club and am horny
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
