she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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