I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
