3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
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He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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