you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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