I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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