I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
