Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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