he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
