just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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