I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
