Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
