I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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