Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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