The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
