i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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