That's intense
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
