I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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