I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
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Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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