I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize