Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm both gender and math confused
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
