please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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