but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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