My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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