I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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