hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
